To thine ownself be true...

When I was younger I used to worry about not belonging. I was born the only child from the second marriage of both of my parents. My Dad had children from a previous marriage and for many years I thought we were all one. Later on, after becoming aware of a slight tear or fracture in my story I started to become much more sensitive to and in need of being accepted. 

For a long time after that I sought my tribe, my pack. This took me to many a far flung place and put me in contact with vastly different walks of life. Ironically, through making myself into a total outsider I was welcomed by these diverse cultures. I settled into the notion of my being a citizen of the world, that we are all a thread of a much larger, richer tapestry. 

This stayed with me until recently. Silently and almost insidiously, the old feelings of not being accepted and of being excluded enveloped me. I had returned to that mode from sheer exhaustion and the vulnerability that accompanies it. 

No matter where I went I was getting hit with peoples egocentric agendas, judgement and very harsh criticism of how I looked, acted, expressed myself and my ability. My ability. In other words- my essence. 
My soul. 

This made me feel like I was being ground down and sent my spidey senses into massive overdrive. I sought refuge from the world and the mean spiritedness that hung heavy in the air. But then, one day, whilst  observing the vastness of the ocean in front of me and pondering what goes on below the surface I thought... "Would I even want to be a part of this? Of them?" The answer was a clear and resounding HELL'S NO!!

This epiphany was a monumental relief. People like that thrive off you going within and coming up wanting. You have to flip that shit lest it eat you alive from the inside out. Why would I want to be a part of something so grossly out of alignment with my core beliefs? My value system? When you are truly free of caring about the judgements of others, you are beyond powerful. You are home. A purge was what was needed and what followed.

The French have an expression "etre bien dans sa peau". Translation- to be at ease in your own skin. If you can look in the mirror and honestly feel this way then you're more than halfway there. For me, it's been a battle, but I can now be as gentle and supportive with myself as if talking to a good friend. 

"Before diagnosing yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you aren't, in fact,  surrounded by assholes." * Whilst walking through this world you will always encounter a major douche or a hundred. That's life. But to have them in your inner sanctum is like having thieves in the temple. Distance yourself from whatever offends your soul. Here's to having an asshole free day and ultimately, life. Peace. xx

*Notorious d.e.b@debihope